Understanding self-compassion and boosting your emotional resilience

These past days, with Elisa having just left for college and my anxiety running higher than usual, I have found myself thinking a lot about how I handle my emotions, especially the difficult ones. In moments like these, it is so easy to fall into self-criticism, telling myself I should be stronger, more in control, less affected. The truth is, transitions like this are emotional, and pretending otherwise only makes it harder.

Self-compassion is one of those ideas that sounds so simple that you almost expect it to come naturally. Just be kind to yourself, right? Easy. Well… not exactly.

The truth is, for many years, I thought I was doing it. I thought that because I loved my family, cared for my friends, and treated people with kindness, I was automatically being kind to myself, too. But when I started paying attention to the way I talked to myself inside my head, I realised I was far from gentle.

I would never tell a friend, “You will never make it, you are not good enough,” yet those were exactly the phrases I used with myself when I felt stuck or disappointed. I spoke to myself in a way I would never speak to another human being.

Learning self-compassion has been a journey for me, one that I am still on. Along the way, I have made mistakes, had breakthroughs, and discovered small daily practices that make a big difference. In times of change and vulnerability, it is one of the most powerful tools we can give ourselves.

What self-compassion means

Self-compassion is not about making excuses or pretending you have no flaws. It is about recognising your humanity, understanding that everyone makes mistakes, everyone fails, and everyone has days when they feel far from their best.

When you practice self-compassion, you replace harsh self-criticism with a more caring response. Instead of saying, “I cannot believe I messed that up again,” you might say, “This is hard for me right now, and that is okay.” It is a small shift in language, but it changes everything.

One important thing I learned is that self-compassion is not the same as self-pity. Self-pity keeps you trapped in your pain and makes you feel isolated, as if the universe is plotting against you. Self-compassion connects you to others because it reminds you that suffering is part of being human, and you are not the only one who has felt this way.

It is also the opposite of self-criticism. Many people believe that if they are hard on themselves, they will achieve more. But research (and my own experience) shows the opposite: self-criticism often leads to procrastination, paralysis, and giving up altogether. Self-compassion creates an environment where you feel safe enough to try, fail, and try again.

Why we struggle with it

I think one reason many of us find self-compassion so difficult is that we were never taught it. Growing up, I do not remember anyone saying, “Be kind to yourself when you mess up.” Instead, I learned that hard work, high standards, and constant improvement were the way forward. Being gentle with myself felt like lowering the bar.

Then there is social pressure, the idea that you should always be productive, in control, and looking your best. That pressure is exhausting, and it can make you feel as though you are failing just by being human.

For me, I notice a pattern: I will be working on something exciting, whether it is my blog or another project, and I get very close to making it happen… then I freeze. Sometimes I stop because I am afraid of judgment, so I sabotage myself before anyone else can. Other times, the energy just disappears.

The same thing happens with smaller goals, like exercise. I will set an intention, three gym sessions a week, a daily thirty-minute walk, and then do none of it. In the past, I would call myself lazy. Now I know that there is often something deeper going on.

Learned to pause and listen

The first real step towards self-compassion for me was learning to pause and listen without judgment.

Now, when I notice that I am avoiding something important, I try to ask, “What is going on here?” Sometimes the answer is that I am tired. Sometimes I am overwhelmed. Sometimes it is the fear of failing or being judged.

One example is from my life as a mother. There are moments I look back on and think, “I wish I had handled that better with my kids.” In the past, I would replay those scenes endlessly, criticising myself over and over. Now, I try to remember that I did my best with the knowledge and energy I had at that time. Beating myself up will not change the past, but compassion can help me do better in the future.

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The importance of mindfulness

Mindfulness has been essential in my self-compassion journey. It is about being present with your thoughts and feelings without making them bigger than they are, but also without pretending they are not there.

When I started working with a psychologist, she suggested a simple daily exercise: list three things about myself that I like. At first, I thought it was silly. My list was always the same: my eyes, my smile, my ankles. I focused only on physical traits because that was what I had been most critical of.

At the beginning, it felt awkward, even forced, but after weeks of doing it, I noticed my inner dialogue had changed. I started appreciating myself not just for my appearance but for my resilience, my sense of humour, and my ability to adapt to new places. That shift made me see that I did not have to wait until I was “perfect” to be worthy of kindness.

Making space for all emotions

Self-compassion is not about feeling positive all the time. It is about allowing yourself to feel everything”: the good, the bad, and the uncomfortable, without shutting it down or shaming yourself for it.

I used to think that if I allowed myself to feel sadness or frustration, I would get stuck there. But I have learned that acknowledging those emotions helps them pass more quickly.

A simple example: when my daughter went to college, I felt proud and excited for her, but I also felt a deep sadness at home being quieter. Instead of telling myself, “Do not be silly, be happy for her,” I let myself cry. And after the tears, I could genuinely celebrate her new chapter.

Worth has nothing to do with achievements

One of the most freeing lessons I have learned is that your worth is not tied to your achievements, productivity, or appearance.

It is so tempting to think, “I will feel good about myself once I finish this project, lose the weight, get the promotion…”, but the truth is, if your self-worth depends on external success, you will always feel unstable, because those things can change in a moment.

True self-compassion means loving yourself on the days you feel productive and on the days you do not. It means knowing you are valuable simply because you exist.

The benefits I have seen

Since I started practicing self-compassion, I have noticed a real difference in my life. I feel more resilient when things go wrong. I am less afraid to try new things because I know I will not destroy myself with criticism if I fail. I enjoy my daily life more because I am not constantly judging myself against impossible standards.

Self-compassion has given me hope, satisfaction, and the ability to recognise my value, even when no one else is watching.

You are allowed to be imperfect, to rest, and to be exactly where you are without having to justify it.

Self-compassion is not about lowering your standards; it is about giving yourself the support to meet them healthily. You are a work in progress, and that is not a flaw; it is simply part of being human.

Thank you for being here with me.

See you next time,

Valentina

Trixy Life