Trixy Life

In today’s world, I have noticed that young people don’t talk as much anymore – they text. While messaging has become a quick and convenient way to communicate, I feel like something important has been lost in the process. For me, it is always been easier to talk to people face-to-face or even over the phone. I can express myself more clearly, and I find it much easier to understand the other person’s tone, emotions, and intentions when I hear their voice.

With texting, you lose those vital emotional cues that make conversations rich and meaningful. That is why I have always been more comfortable having real conversations, and why I believe listening – truly listening – is such an essential skill.

Becoming a better listener

I have never been shy or had trouble meeting new people and striking up conversations. But I have come to realize that being good at talking doesn’t always mean being good at listening. This became especially clear to me after moving to a foreign country, where I had to pay extra attention to not just the words people were saying, but the deeper meaning behind them.

Listening well isn’t just about hearing words – it is about fully engaging with what the other person is trying to communicate. It is about focusing on the person, their emotions, and their body language while quieting the instinct to jump in with your thoughts or solutions.

The difference between hearing and listening

One thing that is important to realize is that hearing is not the same as listening. Hearing is passive – you are just perceiving sound. But listening requires intentional effort. You need to be fully present and give the conversation your undivided attention. In a world where distractions are everywhere, from social media to the fast pace of life, it is becoming increasingly difficult to do that.

I have found myself sometimes interrupting others or rushing to give my opinion, especially if the topic is something I am passionate about. This is something I am working hard to change because I know it doesn’t make for great conversations.

Learning from new friendships

One particular moment that really made me reflect on my listening skills was when we became friends with the parents of one of Elisa’s friends. When we first met, we spent about five or six hours talking, laughing, and getting to know each other. The time flew by, but one thing I noticed was how they listened to me. Every time I interrupted or asked a question mid-sentence, they would pause and let me speak, instead of continuing their point. Their silence felt respectful, and it made me realize I wasn’t giving them the same courtesy. I wasn’t actively listening. That moment encouraged me to improve.

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Managing emotional responses

It is easy to listen to someone when things are calm, but it is much harder when emotions are involved. This is something I have struggled with in my relationships, especially with Pietro and my kids. During emotionally charged moments, it can be difficult to stay focused on what the other person is saying because I feel the need to get my point across, often before they are finished speaking.

Recently, I have been trying to be more conscious about letting my children, especially Elisa, fully express themselves before I jump in with advice. I let her talk about her day, her experiences at college, or her emotions without interrupting. When she is done, I try to offer guidance without making it feel like I am judging or jumping to conclusions too quickly.

Applying active listening as a parent

When I was pregnant with Elisa, I took an active listening course for work that taught me some key techniques. One of the methods I learned was to paraphrase what the other person is saying to show that you are truly understanding their message. In professional settings, like when I was working with pregnant women, I found this technique incredibly helpful. After someone shared their story or concern, I would rephrase what they said and pause, giving them space to add more if needed. This not only showed that I was fully present but also allowed the other person to continue opening up.

Relating through empathy

While this is harder to apply in casual conversations with friends, I find it works really well with my children, especially when they are expressing strong emotions. For example, when Elisa recently went through a tough breakup, I could feel the weight of her emotions. I knew what she was going through because I had experienced similar feelings myself, which made it easier for me to connect with her on a deeper level and show that I was truly there for her.

Reading physical cues

Another thing I have learned is to pay attention to a person’s body language and physical reactions during a conversation. This is something that comes more naturally to me in my family. For example, with Elisa as a teenager, it isn’t always easy to understand the emotions behind her words. But I started to notice that when she seems angry, her body language often tells a different story. The way she moves her hands, her eyes, or even the way she holds onto a cushion tell me that she might be feeling scared or overwhelmed, rather than just angry.

Reading these physical cues has helped me to better understand what someone is feeling, even when their words might not fully express them.

Asking what they need

A simple but powerful tool I have started using recently is asking the other person what they need from me at the end of a conversation. For instance, when Elisa comes to me and starts venting about something that is bothering her, I used to immediately focus on trying to solve the problem. But often, she doesn’t need a solution – she just needs to be heard.

So now, I ask her upfront: “Do you need advice, a solution, or just someone to listen?” This has been a game-changer for me. It helps me stay focused and prevents me from jumping ahead in the conversation, allowing me to truly listen to what is being said without judgment. It also gives Elisa the space to open up, knowing that I’ll respond in the way she needs most.

Staying present in the moment

One of the hardest things for me is keeping quiet when I’m excited about the topic or feeling strong emotions. In those moments, my mind races ahead, and I find it difficult to just listen. But I have learned that being present in the moment means silencing that urge to speak until the other person is done. It is about turning off the active part of my brain that wants to react and instead focusing on absorbing everything they are saying first.

It is not always easy, but the more I practice, the better I get at keeping an open mind and waiting my turn to speak. This allows me to respond more thoughtfully and engage in deeper, more meaningful conversations.

Listening is a skill that takes practice, and I am still learning. But with every conversation, whether with my family or friends, I am getting better at it. The more I focus on being present, reading physical cues, and asking what the other person needs, the more I feel like I am truly connecting with them. And at the end of the day, isn’t that what communication is all about?

Thanks for hanging out with me today!

See you next time.

Valentina