Some conversations stay with you, and recently I had one with my kids, Elisa and Marco, that made me reflect on something we all deal with at different stages of life: self-esteem.
Elisa is now in college, while Marco is still navigating his teenage years. They are three years apart and incredibly different, which often makes for fascinating chats. That day, we were talking about how self-esteem shifts over time. Elisa admitted that she feels much more confident now than she did in high school. Living at university, being away from home, and being exposed to new people and challenges helped her learn more about herself and grow in unexpected ways.
That simple conversation sparked a deeper thought for me. Self-esteem is not a fixed trait. It grows, it wavers, and it evolves with us as we move through life.
Today, I want to share what I have learned about it through my personal experiences, my children, and the people around me.
What is self-esteem
Self-esteem refers to our overall perception and evaluation of ourselves. It is not just confidence in one area, such as being good at a job or being social; it is the broader sense of whether we respect ourselves and feel good about where we stand in life. It is that little voice inside that says, I am enough… or I am not.
It is normal for self-esteem to fluctuate. Some days, you feel proud of yourself. Other days, doubts sneak in. The key is learning to come back to your center, to that balanced place where you recognize your worth even when things are not perfect.
The inner judge
We tend to think of self-esteem as something we are either born with or not, but in reality, it is shaped by both internal and external factors.
On one hand, we compare our actual results with the expectations we set for ourselves. Did I meet my goal? Am I where I thought I would be at this age? These inner comparisons have a huge impact.
On the other hand, there is how we believe others see us. Are we being appreciated, liked, respected? Whether consciously or not, we often measure our worth based on social feedback.
So, in short, self-esteem is built from a mix of personal achievement and social interaction, how we perform, and how we are perceived. And that is a tricky combination!
The danger of only seeing the flaws
When self-esteem is low, we tend to zoom in on our weaknesses. We notice what is missing rather than what is already there. We focus on what we cannot do instead of what we can.
People with low self-esteem often become more sensitive to criticism, and even neutral feedback can feel like a personal attack. When you constantly hear negativity about your body, your choices, your job, or your personality, it is hard not to internalize it. Over time, these repeated messages can mine your self-image.
Unfortunately, this happens a lot during adolescence, which is already a vulnerable time. I see it in my children, and I remember it in myself. Add social media to the mix, and things get even more complicated.
Social media
Let’s be honest: social media is not real life. But when you are a teenager trying to figure out who you are, it can feel more real than reality. It becomes the mirror you look into to evaluate your worth.
If your self-worth depends on likes, followers, or how “aesthetic” your photos are, you will likely always feel like you are falling short. Social media creates unreachable standards, and when expectations become that distorted, it is hard to stay grounded.
As a parent, I worry about this constantly. I often discuss it with my kids, not to shame or scare them, but to remind them that the value they possess is not defined by an algorithm or a number on a screen.
Expectations
Expectations shape our lives in powerful ways. Some are positive, like wanting to improve your health, get a better job, or deepen a relationship. Others are negative, like fears we carry, situations we avoid, or people we feel we cannot face.
When our real-life results do not match these expectations, we begin to doubt ourselves. We ask, “What is wrong with me?” “Why am I not there yet?”
This inner conflict between who we are and who we think we “should” be is one of the biggest enemies of self-esteem.
The greater the gap between the real self and the ideal self, the lower the self-esteem tends to be.
Learning to adjust expectations
When we first moved to England, I had this idea in my head that I would become fluent in English in six months. I thought, “That’s enough time to master the language, right?”
Well… not exactly.
What I did not realize is that fluency is not just about grammar and vocabulary. It is also about rhythm, culture, humor, and, my biggest struggle, pronunciation. My accent did not disappear, and at first, that felt like a failure. I judged myself constantly, but then something shifted. I asked myself, “Why does my English have to be perfect?” I started adjusting my expectations. I still work to improve, but now I celebrate the progress rather than punishing myself for not being flawless.
Another example is my blog. For years, it was only a thought. I kept telling myself, “There are already thousands like this”.” Who am I to write a blog?” “My English is not good enough…”
I had not even started, and already I was tearing myself down.
I realized I was self-sabotaging, letting fear win before giving myself a chance, and so, I pushed through. I learned how to structure posts, how to use a blogging platform, and how to find my voice.
Each post I write, no matter how small, boosts my self-esteem because I feel capable. I am not chasing big numbers. The people who read my blog are real; they connect with my stories, and that is enough. That is more than enough.
Two ways to react when self-esteem is low
When I feel like I am not enough, I usually go in one of two directions:
- I lower my expectations. I tell myself, “Maybe I was aiming too high.” “Maybe it is okay not to be the best.”
Sometimes, this is necessary. It helps protect us from burnout, perfectionism, or chronic disappointment.
2. I try harder to improve. I say, “Okay, I am not there yet, but I will work for it”.
This can be healthy too, if it comes from a place of growth rather than pressure.
Neither path is wrong. What matters is being aware of what is driving your choices: fear or motivation? Shame or self-respect?
For me, the trick is finding balance. If I never try to improve, I feel stuck. If I expect myself to achieve unrealistic goals, I end up disappointed. Self-esteem grows when we take small steps and recognize our efforts.
Related posts:
- 15 ways to embrace change and find balance
- Breaking the cycle of negative thoughts
- The art of appreciation
Self-esteem as a practice
Self-esteem is not something you “have” or “do not have.” It is something you build, lose, rebuild, and nurture throughout your life. It is like a muscle: if you do not use it, it weakens.
We all have an idea of who we want to be. That version of ourselves who is confident, successful, relaxed, fluent in another language, or brave enough to start a blog, but sometimes the gap between that dream and our reality feels enormous.
And that is okay.
The goal is not to be perfect. The goal is to be you, to keep growing, learning, and showing up. Even when you are unsure, even when your voice shakes, even when no one claps.
Self-esteem is not about reaching a final destination; it is about recognizing your worth while you are still on the journey.
Thank you for being here with me.
See you next time,
Valentina
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