When Pietro and I first started discussing love languages, we had some pretty amusing moments. At one point, he tried showering me with compliments every day: “Valentina, you are amazing! You are incredible! You are the best!” My reaction? Annoyance. Not exactly the response he expected. That is when we realized that words of affirmation are definitely not my love language.
On the other hand, when I tried surprising him with small gifts, it was clear that while he appreciated the gesture, receiving presents didn’t have a significant emotional impact on him. My dad is the same; if you give him a gift, he looks at you like you have done something offensive and says, “Instead of buying me something, just spend time with me.”
All of this made me curious: how do we each truly feel loved? And how can we better express love in a way that resonates with the other person? That is where the concept of “The Five Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman comes in.
The Five Love Language
Dr. Chapman identified five primary ways people express and receive love. We all have one (or a mix of a few) that makes us feel most appreciated. Understanding these languages – both yours and your partner’s – can transform your relationship.
Here is a quick breakdown of each love language, with examples of what works and what might completely miss the mark.
1. Words of affirmation
Some people need to hear love spoken aloud. Compliments, words of encouragement, and heartfelt “I love you!” mean everything to them.
✅ What they love:
• “I am so proud of you.”
• Random sweet texts.
• Being told they are appreciated.
❌ What doesn’t work:
• Insults or criticism (even jokingly!).
• Silence or lack of acknowledgment.
When Pietro tried this one on me, let’s say it backfired. If you shower me with too many compliments, I start to feel like they are not genuine. Instead of feeling loved, it makes me uncomfortable and, honestly, a little skeptical. For me, sincerity matters more than a flood of flattering words.
2. Acts of service
For some, love isn’t in words; it is in actions. Doing small things that make life easier or show you care can mean the world.
✅ What they love:
• Making them coffee in the morning.
• Running an errand they hate doing.
• Fixing something that’s been broken for weeks.
❌ What doesn’t work:
• Empty promises (“I’ll do it later” and then… nothing).
• Not noticing when they need help.
Elisa, my daughter, is without a doubt all in on this love language. If you want to make her happy, do something for her: cook her a special meal, help her make her bed, or take care of something she forgot. Just today, she left some things at home, and Pietro and Marco brought them to her at college. I stayed home to cook, but she was upset that I didn’t go. It didn’t seem to matter that I had already been to campus twice this week. For her, love is in the little things you do.
3. Receiving gifts
This isn’t about materialism; it is about the thoughtfulness behind a gift. The gift itself is a symbol of love and appreciation.
✅ What they love:
• A book they mentioned in passing.
• A surprise coffee on a stressful day.
• A small souvenir from a trip.
❌ What doesn’t work:
• Last-minute, thoughtless gifts.
• Forgetting important dates.
Pietro? He is the complete opposite of this. Acts of service and gifts don’t move him. If I buy him something, he just says, “Thanks,” and moves on.
I wouldn’t say this is my primary love language either, but I do appreciate certain gestures. If Pietro buys me flowers, it is nice, but if he gives me a book? That is the best gift ever. There are always little nuances in how we express and receive love; it is never just one-size-fits-all.
4. Quality time
For these people, nothing says “I love you” like undivided attention.
✅ What they love:
• Deep conversations over dinner.
• Weekend getaways together.
• Turning off phones and really being together.
❌ What doesn’t work:
• Distracted listening (scrolling while they talk).
• Canceled plans.
Pietro and I both value this; traveling, going on hikes, or just sitting and chatting make us feel close.
5. Physical touch
Hugs, kisses, hand-holding, some people need a physical connection to feel secure in love.
✅ What they love:
• Holding hands while walking.
• Cuddling on the couch.
• Random hugs throughout the day.
❌ What doesn’t work:
• A physically distant partner.
• Lack of affection in public or private.
For me, touch is everything. I am that person who hugs everyone, even strangers. Elisa is the same; if she is feeling down, she just wants to be hugged. Pietro? He shows love this way, but ironically, I don’t like being patted or stroked randomly, especially on my arms.
How to discover (and speak) your partner’s love language
1. Pay attention to what they complain about
People often reveal their love language without even realizing it. If your partner says, “We never spend time together anymore,” they probably value quality time. If they sigh, “You never say you love me,” then words of affirmation might be key.
I catch myself doing this too, sometimes, I say to Pietro, “You never come home and just hug me!” It is my way of asking for that little moment of connection, and in fact, physical touch is my primary love language.
2. Observe how they show love
We usually express love the way we’d like to receive it. If your partner always brings you little surprises, they probably love getting gifts. If they go out of their way to do things for you, acts of service might be their language.
Marco, my son, has a deep love for giving gifts. He is the type of person who would spend all his savings if he knew it would make someone happy. He is incredibly thoughtful and always tries to pick something that he feels would mean a lot to the person. For him, it is not just about the item, but the joy of seeing the other person’s reaction when they realize the effort he put into it. On the flip side, Marco also loves receiving gifts, especially when they are well thought out and personal. It is that sense of connection and understanding that makes the gift special for him, not just the item itself.
3. Experiment
When Pietro and I started exploring our love languages, we went through a few different attempts. He decided to try words of affirmation by telling me how much I meant to him (but it didn’t feel as heartfelt as I hoped). On my part, I tried surprising him with a special gift I’d bought with my first salary, thinking it would show how much I cared (but it didn’t quite land as I imagined it would).
Despite our efforts, we quickly realized that neither of these approaches felt quite right. It wasn’t the words or the gifts that spoke to us; instead, it was the shared moments. What truly worked for us was quality time, experiences together where we could just be present with each other. Whether it is a quiet evening at home or a spontaneous trip, these little moments of connection are what help us feel closest.
Try different things and see what clicks!
Related posts:
- 5 Love languages: a guide to better understanding and connection
- 14 Little acts of love: strengthening our bond every day
- The power of time together as a couple
Love languages aren’t fixed
Your love language can evolve, and for me, it shifted when I became a mom. Back when the kids were little, I found that acts of service became much more meaningful to me. I didn’t need a gift or words; what made a real difference was when Pietro took over with the kids, so I could have just five minutes to breathe. Whether it was giving me a break to relax or helping out with the little things at home, these actions meant the world to me. I could feel his love through his support, and it made all the difference in those busy, exhausting days.
Likewise, stress or life changes can shift what we need. That is why ongoing communication is so important.
The love battery: keeping it charged
Think of love languages like a battery; if it is running low, you start feeling drained, unappreciated, or disconnected.
Checking in on each other’s emotional battery helps keep your relationship energized.
Just like a phone needs to be plugged in to stay powered, your relationship thrives when you are intentional about filling each other’s emotional needs.
Love is a language you can learn
The beauty of love languages is that they can be learned. Even if something doesn’t come naturally, making an effort shows care.
For example, I hate giving excessive compliments, but I have learned that sometimes a simple “You did a great job” means a lot to someone whose love language is words of affirmation.
Likewise, if your partner’s love language is physical touch, a random hug, even if you don’t need it, could make their day.
Love isn’t just about what we want to give; it is about understanding what the other person needs to feel truly loved.
Love languages aren’t just specific to romantic relationships; they apply to every relationship we have. Whether with family, friends, or coworkers, how we express and receive love remains consistent. Understanding these languages helps build stronger, more meaningful connections in all areas of life. So, even though I may not want endless compliments from Pietro, I value them from friends or family when they are genuine because those little gestures make me feel seen and appreciated in different ways.
Thank you for spending time with me today!
See you next time.
Valentina
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