Trixy Life

1. We all make mistakes

Parenting teenagers is tricky, and I’ll be the first to admit that I have made a lot of mistakes along the way – especially with Elisa, my firstborn. As the eldest, she became my “trial and error” experience. Looking back, I realize how often I prioritized making sure she understood my perspective over really listening to her. It was like I always wanted to teach her something, and that led to conversations feeling more like lessons.

Marco, my second child, is now 15, and I am trying to do better with him. Reflecting on how I communicated with Elisa has helped me be more aware of my approach. Still, it is a journey, and even now, I am constantly learning how to adjust.

2. Using their interests to connect

One of the things I have come to understand is that to keep communication open, it is essential to meet teenagers where they are – through their interests. With Marco, I have noticed that when I engage him about his passions, like music, the conversation just flows. He’ll explain lyrics, and talk about artists, and before I know it, we have spent hours talking. This is where he feels comfortable, and it is my way of connecting with him.

With Elisa, I missed a lot of those opportunities. Her interests were more about fashion, makeup, and other “girly” things, which I have never been into. I regret not making an effort to meet her on that level when she needed it most. I realize now that if I had shown more interest in what mattered to her, we might have built a stronger bridge of communication.

3. When emotions cloud the big picture

Teenagers can get so caught up in the emotions of the moment that they often miss the bigger picture – and I have been guilty of doing the same. Elisa is fiery and impulsive, much like me, so when she would get upset, it was as if I was looking at a mirror of myself. We would clash because both of us would get swept away by our emotions. I didn’t step back to see things more rationally, and I regret that now.

With Marco, it is different. He is more logical and less ruled by emotions, like Pietro. This helps me take a step back and not react immediately when something triggers him. I have learned that it is important to guide them through their emotional storms without getting pulled into the drama myself.

Related links:

• 6 Ways to become a better listener: my journey and tips
• From pregnancy to college: embracing Elisa’s independence journey
• Navigating the empty nest: a mother’s reflection as Elisa goes to college

4. Using a “channel” to keep communication open

Years ago, I attended a baby massage course where the instructor shared something that stuck with me: if you open a channel of connection when your children are young, like through touch or rituals, you can use that same channel when they become teenagers and start to close up emotionally.

With Elisa, I used massage as a way to bond from when she was very little. Now, as a teenager, she still loves those gentle massages, especially on her arms. When I massage her, it is a way for us to connect, and I have noticed she is more open and willing to share what is on her mind. These moments of physical affection remind her of a safe, familiar space, allowing her to relax and communicate more easily.

5. Open-ended questions go a long way

One small but significant change I have made is how I ask questions. In the past, I would say things like, “Did you have a good day?” and of course, I’d get a simple “yes” or “no” in response. Now, I try to ask more open-ended questions, like, “What was the most interesting part of your day?” or “Tell me something that surprised you today.”

This encourages them to think and share more. It is a small shift, but it has made a noticeable difference in how much they are willing to open up.

6. Don’t start with school talk

Here is something I have learned the hard way: teenagers don’t want to talk about school, especially right after they have spent all day there. Every time I’d pick up Elisa or Marco, my instinct was to ask, “How was school today?” – which immediately shut them down. I now know that I need to ease into the conversation, talk about anything else first, and only touch on school when they are ready. It is still hard for me because I care so much about their education, but I have found that giving them space to bring it up when they are ready works better.

7. Independence and equality in conversation

One of the biggest shifts I have had to make is recognizing that teenagers want to be treated like adults. With Elisa, I often found myself slipping into “teacher mode,” giving her advice or correcting her, even when she just wanted to vent. I didn’t give her the independence she craved in those conversations.

Now, especially since she has gone to college, I try to approach our talks differently. I ask if she wants me to just listen, offer advice, or provide support. This simple step allows her to feel more in control of the conversation and respected as an equal. I am learning to do the same with Marco, although it is still a work in progress.

8. Sharing my day and asking for their input

With Marco, I have found that one way to get him talking is by sharing something about my day and asking for his thoughts. If I have a problem or dilemma, I’ll ask for his advice, which makes him feel valued and respected. It is not always easy to find ways into their world, but this method has worked well for me, helping him feel like we are on the same level, rather than me always being the one “in charge.”

9. Making the most of short moments together

I have discovered that short, low-pressure moments – like car rides or dinner – are perfect for conversations. Teenagers seem more open when they know there is a time limit on the chat. When I pick them up from school or sit down for dinner, they seem more willing to share because they know it is not going to drag on forever. It is like they can see the finish line, so they relax and open up a little more.

In the end, parenting teenagers has taught me that the most valuable thing I can offer is my presence and willingness to listen, even when it is hard. There will always be mistakes, moments of frustration, and times when communication feels impossible. But if I have learned anything from both Elisa and Marco, it is that being patient, open, and willing to adapt makes all the difference. After all, it is not about having all the answers, it is about walking alongside them as they grow into their independent selves. So, if you are struggling with communication, remember that it is never too late to adjust, to ask the right questions, and most importantly, to listen.

Thanks for hanging out with me today!

See you next time.

Valentina